The Hats I Wear

I bought this hat because I first bought this hat.

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It is a bit of a lengthy one, if you bare with me, this was so good for me to write. I would greatly appreciate this read. I posted last night about a quote I heard that basically read my mind. “Lord, please silence my thoughts, so that I could hear your voice.” After reading some scripture, my thoughts changed & sharing this story was put heavy on my heart. 

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I bought this hat because I couldn’t wear this other one.

The hat I’m trying to hide was the first purchase. You see, when you & your husband first decide to take the leap & grow your family, you pin all the pins & maybe even purchase a onesie or two to prepare for that special day. The day you get to share the good news. Well seasons & trends change & if things don’t go as planned, you find other fun ways to help you announce. More pinning. More shopping. Then after some treatments & some more nicknames for this future fetus you’re trying so hard to grow, other announcements pertain to your story & you now want to pin & shop other ideas!! 

I did this. Did you do this? It’s an exciting thing. You WANT to be excited so you do the exciting things. That’s okay! Some days I said, “it’s faith, it’s trust, buy the things because it will happen.” Other days I would call myself an idiot as I throw yet another onesie with a cute nickname on it into our storage container. 

This hat is one of the more recent additions to that said container. I bought this hat when we started a different treatment this year. We did extensive testing, got real answers, had so much hope from our new doctors, the fertility specialists. Wow, did we feel so good.

I just wanted to wear the hat, ya know?

Once the patience wore thin, our funds depleted & my one blood drawing vein started to bruise, our hope was pretty much lost. At least our excitement was a goner for sure. The hopes we had for this hat was put on the back burner once again. I was so disappointed for obvious reasons, but one of them was I finally found a hat I liked on me. I’m so picky about baseball caps but love the look of them. This one was comfortable, the perfect color & fit beautifully. I just wanted a chance to wear it. I wanted to wear that label. 

After several emotional & defeating days, I was scrolling Instagram stories & @jordanleedooley was announcing the closing of her shop. She posted all these items going on sale. In slides a photo of the exact hat I bought & loved, but this one said her catch line “Your brokenness is welcome here.” Not an ounce of hesitation fluttered in before I hit the buy button because, let me tell you, I am wearing this DANG hat. 

One day I’ll wear that “hat”, but today I’ll wear my others.

Year after year I have & will strive to gain the role as “mom”. The tears really fill in as I type that. I mean it, I strive for it. However, a much greater power is what gives us our purpose & our role & well He hasn’t quite picked that one out for me yet. It is evident to me though, a task that has been delegated to me is to welcome all. To be open about my story, to remind the lonely (including myself) that we are indeed not alone. Not in the slightest. I have been tasked to encourage, to listen & to love. This struggle is not one I wish upon anyone. In fact, I regularly am told it is someone’s “worst fear”. That worst fear that I am living day after day is giving me a purpose way bigger than myself. Way bigger than who’s saying what or who’s doing what. This is a kind of purpose that helps guide the broken to the Healer & the lost to the Leader. 

It’s been a year & a half of me publicly sharing our infertility journey on social media. Our now four year struggle has brought prayer up in conversation with friends, grew new relationships with strangers across the country & most importantly, it gave me a purpose when my struggle seemed to take the only purpose I ever wanted away.

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One day I GUARANTEE you I will be rocking that mom hat. But until then, I will be wearing “Your Brokenness is Welcome Here” loud & proud. Always remember that your brokenness is absolutely 100% welcomed here. If you made it through, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Normally, I would put this on the blog, but I just felt like it needed to be shared here. This is what I want my platform to be about. To welcome. 

Love, Abigail